If I Had Two Faces...

While addressing the press during a presidential campaign, Abraham Lincoln responded to allegations from a political opponent, accusing him of being two-faced. He is quoted as saying, “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

I’m finding more and more each day that I am rarely what I am, but instead what I want others to think I am. The problem, of course, is that what I want others to think is constantly changing as time passes. While its somewhat consistent, it can waiver depending on my immediate motives, or emotions.

At the root, there is the person who I really am, and if you think its this nice guy who’s humble and sweet, graceful and forgiving, or kind and courteous, you are gravely mistaken. Those are all things I try to be, but they are not the real me.

Truth is I spend must of my time throttling the real me and dressing him up to fit the moral and aesthetic standard I’ve established in my head. I’ve worked hard to learn the etiquette and moral standards that people have come to demand, but I’m really just that ‘count to ten’ person who strives to evaluate my behavioral choices before executing them.

This is all well and good, and (I assure you) a much better choice for me than acting on my immediate inclinations, but I still have become aware of something. I’m not naturally good, and no matter how hard I work to modify my behavior on an ongoing basis, it doesn’t seem to change my first inclinations, I’m just getting faster and better at playing the part.

I think, though, that I make a mistake when I get comfortable with this. It is the initial reaction that represents the real me. It is that initial reaction that needs to be tamed, not my fortitude to hold it back, modify it, and then let it show.

There was a campaign a while back that compelled people to do just this. WWJD. The implication being that when we are faced with our natural reactions, we think about what this perfect historical figure would do (all past-tense) in such an instance, and instead, should do what he would have done. Good idea. If the object is to modify our behavior (our physical actions and impact on others), this is good advice.

However, if one is talking about root change, not behavioral modification, I think the task is another one altogether. A task that’s bigger than what I am capable of doing by myself.

For me, at least, behavioral modification has more to do with my cognizance than my goodness. Ask Mel Gibson if this isn’t true. I never get drunk, (I can’t drink enough to do so without getting sick first) but I would imagine that would be the best way to see the real me. I know the same person peeks out when I’m tired, or too pre-occupied to grab him and hide him back in the closet. For instance, I apologize when I’m in a bad mood, as if to say, “Sorry. This isn’t like me.” Truth is, its more like me than I’d like to think.

I strive to surrender myself to be changed by the indwelling (present-tense) of the living Christ. I long for the times when I don’t have to count to 10 before I naturally do the right thing, when my first inclination is to think of others without the attached parasitical thought that this is what I’m supposed to do to be a good person.

I pray for REAL change.

Two Faces